为何对别人恭敬关照却给自他带来烦恼？（双语开示）

　　我们平时对别人的恭敬和关照，为什么常常起不到好效果，反而给自他带来烦恼呢？因为我们的发心, 所谓的为他好、为他着想，自己牺牲、让步等等，是建立在推测别人的基础上的，并不见得是对方真正的需要。实际这个恭敬心有时会成为一种潜在的合理化要求或者期待——因为是主观臆断在起作用，里面的内容不一定如实，会让人感觉不舒服。

　　We mostly treat people with respect and care about them. But why does it invariably induce worries to ourselves and others instead of producing the desired effect? Because the good wishes we have in our mind such as: “for the good of others”, “sacrifice my own interest for others”, or “make concession for others”, etc… are  based upon the conjecture or assumption we make about others, which is not necessarily correct. Actually, such “respect” sometimes may be an underlying demand, seemingly reasonable, or expectation from others. Since what we assume about our kin is not necessarily correct, our respect or care for others does not necessarily meet what they really need. Thus, our subjective assumptions may make people feel uncomfortable.

　　臆测推断是个疑烦恼。每个人的思想意识、生活习惯、交往模式都不同，要准确地了解他人的需要十分困难。想象、揣测别人的心思很辛苦，就如同进入迷魂阵，会越陷越深。

　　Assumptions and deductions originate from doubt. Everyone’s mind, daily habits, ideas, ways to get along in relationships differ greatly from one another. It is tremendously difficult to understand precisely what the other needs. It is very hard to assume people’s thoughts, for assumptions are just like swamps in which the more we struggle the deeper we sink.

　　动他人一念，不如让他人动自己一念来得简单、合意。古人云，“恭敬不如从命”。从命就是如约、不推测——大家相互交流，表达清晰，咋说咋做，约好、执行就可以了。好比人际交往中，大家约定共同做一件事，愿意参加的参加，不愿意参加的就说出来——人人都清楚明白，然后再去守护这个约定。

　　I would be better advised to let people use their own mind to make it simpler and closer to their liking and needs.The ancient sages said that obedience is better than politeness. In other words, it is better to comply with others’ wishes deferentially than to decline them politely. To comply with others’ wishes means to fulfil an agreement without speculating.  Exchange ideas and express them clearly and then act according to what you say, or make an agreement and then follow it. For instance, when it comes to relationships, and all agree upon some project, those who are willing to participate are welcome to join, those who do not wish to participate are free not to take part in the activity. Then, everyone can have a clear understanding and accept the agreement.

　　如约，使恭敬变得顺畅；推测，则会令恭敬变得生涩。在家庭、工作、集体生活中相处的人绝大多数都是好心、尊重他人的，但很多人都以臆测推断来交往。生活习惯的差异会导致个人需要得不到满足，这个时候很容易心里犯嘀咕，但碍于面子，嘴上又不说什么。结果那个“不舒服”积压久了，得不到解决，最后就会感到别扭、委屈。

　　Accepting makes it smooth and natural for people to be respectful, while speculating brings awkwardness.The majority of people are kind-hearted and respectful, whether it be at home, at work or any collective environment. But many of them interact with others based on their assumptions. With so many different habits, customs and ideas, personal needs are, very often, hardly met. Seldom spoken out, complaints remain silent for fear of looking awkward. As a result, uncomfortable feelings grow and multiply and grievances arise.

　　自己的心染污了才会推测，心地清净则推测不动。别人有什么想法，自己不要先去主观判断、急于替对方着想，否则很容易把一个未定之事着实。有可能对方正处于考虑的初期，想法并不准确，还在徘徊犹豫的阶段。此刻，你的推测介入，很容易把事情变成不可改变的事实。

　　Only a contaminated heart may speculate; there is no chance for a completely pure heart to do so. Let us not make any judgment or assume what people are thinking too hastily lest we may be responsible for uncertain outcomes. It is quite possible that they may just be considering, that they are not sure yet about some matters, still ambiguous and hesitating as to their choices. At such moments any assumed interference could turn indecision into an irrevocable situation. With a pure, respectful and accommodating heart, observing peacefully, we can gradually step out of the swamp of conjecture and assumption.

　　要耐心等待。一旦对方明确表达了，就恭敬不如从命，同时给予对方一个良好的祝福，形成一个正向的作用力。千万不要让过于敏感的推测产生负面推动力。推测一旦出来，就忏悔、洗礼它。

　　So, we should be patient and wait until their mind is clear and follow it with good blessing and positive attitude. Never let overtly sensitive speculations play a negative role. If so happens then you should repent and wash it away.

　　通过清净、无染的胸怀，平和、安定的观察，尊重、接纳的对待，我们可以慢慢走出臆测推断的沼泽地。

　　With a pure, respectful and accommodating heart, observing peacefully, we can gradually step out of the swamp of conjecture and assumption.

来自慈法法师的『生命之光 · 阳光早餐』

The Light of Life Sunshine Breakfast

原标题：走出臆测推断的沼泽 | 中英文

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